battles

growing up, i would always have the feeling of insecurities/body dysmorphia, feeling like i would never be described as "pretty/beautiful" if i don't have the perfect body, if i don't have those thigh gaps, toned arms, long legs like the models. i would starve myself for hours, days, if possible. Starving myself made me feel great, and when it does, i became addicted to that euphoric feeling. i even restricted myself from drinking water so i don't feel bloated, and that's how fucked up i was. i would always tell my family that i had eaten earlier, i've had my dinner already, et cetera. But the most depressing part is that i didn't even realize that, this thing i was doing was truly unhealthy. I was losing all the vitamins i needed - i have iron deficiency and that made it worse.

insecurity per se is a big ass, heavy, melancholic, word. once you have that feeling, it became an addiction, same as eating disorder. this thing have been bothering the life of teenagers (especially), and most of them are women - we have been told to look/behave a certain way, to weigh a certain weight, to be someone we aren't, to wear certain clothes, to cover body parts we don't want to, and the list goes on and on, and that is not okay.

but,

recovery is never in a straight line, there's no end point to it. you can't say that you have fully recovered because some days you slip a bit, you cheat, and it does feel satisfying, and that's okay. it doesn't mean that you've failed. avoid triggers, tell yourself that no matter what people say, it's just their opinion. a bit of fat here and there, a bit of cellulite here and there it's not so bad. what's the most prominent is the aura you radiate, the energy you bring,

recently i watched a TED Talk by Dean Furness - he shares how after losing the use of his legs in an accident, he discovered a powerful mindset focused on redefining his "personal average" and getting better little by little, and it inspired me a lot. To overcome a challenge, you need to stop comparing yourself to others, stop comparing your beginnings to someone else's middle. The quicker you move on to what's next, the quicker you can start attacking things. And by moving on to the next as fast as possible,  you shrink the time you spend on bad scenarios, you could make time for the good, it gives more time for the good. and eventually the good outweighs the bad.

i'm here to tell you that, you are beautiful, no matter what people say, no matter what your mind, your subconscious say. never listen to what those self entitled men have to say. their words don't matter. YOU matter.

"beauty will fade, but goodness never will" - Filipino Proverb

x.